Very nice! I haven't played many twine games before but that was quite engrossing. The story is very interesting and the music suits it well. Great job!

Writing in first person is immersive but there are some pitfalls I think you should avoid.
The "you don't completely trust him" line annoyed me because it was telling me how to feel/think when I should be making my own conclusions. That's the point of the interactive medium, it's MY story.

While the "NERD" comment can be perceived as cheeky, it also has the risk of being perceived as a trap. You gave the player the option to choose and you're poking fun at their choices. I feel like external commentary should be avoided as well.

I mention these (seemingly innocent) points because it's a dangerous path to take. These are "one way" interactions that (intentionally or not) serve an agenda of sort; you're dictating a dialogue and the player can't talk back to argue their point of view.

It pulls the players out from the immersive first-person style.

Otherwise, good writing.

I agree with Gix's comments! There were a few typos but overall the writing was engaging. I managed to make it home! I also loved how easy and simple the interface was.

The detailed language depicting the world is a nice polish that really encourages the player to explore more of the story. Given that very little details are given at the beginning of the story, I definitely thought these extra flourishes were necessary.

That said, I also felt the story was really linear. If I understand correctly, there are, like, only two wrong choices you can make, and they're very early in the game. Past that, the player is railroaded to a specific quest with all branching paths circling back to the main plot. I didn't enjoy this bit much.

The writer clearly has talent, so I suspect much of this had to do with time limitation than anything. Looking forward to see what's next!

UI was very simple and imo games like these should have simple and clean UI. Great writing. Great game!

i love the choose-your-own-adventure stories, but it's a bit flat among the tons of quick-playable LDJ games

Awesome! :) I have not played a text adventure in a long time. I liked it! More branches to the storyline would have been awesome! Nice work nonetheless!

User interface and writing was clear and enjoyable. The story itself was a bit short and linear, though.

Short, little and nice text adventure, good job!

Been a while since I've done a choose your own adventure game, I'd forgotten how much fun they are. I'll have to look into twine some more in the future. The writing was decent, I'm just not sure if there is a fail case, I didn't run into any difficult decisions, and I thought I had tried every dialogue option I could. The "Nerd" comment was a bit off, I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be part of the scene or a dev comment, but it didn't bug me or anything.

Hey everyone, thanks for playing our game. This is @cheldav's first time practically building a game alone that's why it's so short(Not to throw her under the bus).

That "Nerd" comment was put in there as a joke by me, and accidentally ended up in the done product. That was literally the first thing I did when I built the prototype. :D Hopefully moving forward if we attempt another twine game. It'll be something a bit more robust.

Thanks for the feedback.

There's not much I can say that hasn't been said before other than I really enjoyed the mood. The music definitely works, although it would've been cool to have more tracks for specific environments.
Reallly enjoyable overall. Very linear, but hey, it's a jam game. :stuck_out_tongue:

It has savegames! (And good thing too because there's a surprising amount of content!)