This is the end.

Note how I don't have a name yet.

Server based high score tables actually working, courtesy of PeliStar, who wrote an exceptional tutorial: https://forum.yoyogames.com/index.php?threads/online-highscores.4291/

Took me almost three hours to set up due to some fiddly bits in GameMaker and the fact that some functions were missing due to the GM-Marketplace being down. Totally worth it though.